6- SIX

7 – SEVN (this I can handle!)

8 – AT (!!)

I find it very interesting. I have not seen S do this as she was learning the same thing. I can see the brains being wired differently. Whoever created spellings must have been a complicated person, to have spelt the number so difficult for a toddler!

Hubby is away for a week. I miss him, but having had him always at home for past several months, I must sheepishly admit that I do enjoy this independence(right word for the situation?) a little bit. There is no interference. My mother has come down for 2-3 days, which makes life easier. A MOTHER IS ALWAYS A MOTHER. I feel it again and again as I hug my children and think that they are the cutest ever, or as I make French toast sticks for dinner (for the third night in a row!!) when A demands it even when rice and curry are ready!

I had to talk to A’s teacher for something last night. After the conversation, I mentioned to A that her teacher had called. She asked: “Why did maam call?” I made up something and said: “She called to tell about your numbers test tomorrow. They are going to ask you to write numbers in words tomorrow.” That was cruel of me!!! Till she went to bed, she would ask me randomly: “Amma, how does 8 start? E?” OR “Amma, is 3 written THREE?” Poor thing! Even after going to bed, she asked me again. I could not pardon myself. I got my 4 year old worrying

Today we were in bus stop waiting for bus and she blurted out: “Amma, they should teach numbers in class before giving a test!!” Awww, she still had this in her mind. I told her: “Baby, I was kidding. Teacher did not say such things. I just made it up!” Not sure if she understood it fully or not. Anyways, children are precious and I love their talk. Yesterday neighbor mentioned that her 2 year old was asking for my mother’s name, seeing her water plants outside. I had taken the car out and had put it outside on the street yesterday as some work was going on in the porch, and that little one was asking her mother, “Why is aunty’s car outside today?” I so love toddler chats. They ask the best questions, which we shudder to ask. We think before we ask, which is good for adults

In the latest “The Week” magazine, Mallika Sarabhai had written in her column (titled “Angry Common Man”, link not available online yet, may be next week) about 2 incidences of common man’s frustrations. First one was very similar to my experience with a biker on the road last month, and I felt a little worried that it happens so often – the laziness in the part of police or the law to take action promptly and correctly and the common notion that no change will happen, this is the way things are!

By the way, hubby reads this blog as well. And to him: “I do miss you very much and it is very quiet around here without you. See you soon.”

I almost missed writing about S’s latest milesone! Past 3 days, she has been ironing her uniform herself. I usually get to ironing her skirt in the last minute. And she is very unlike me, she likes to get ready ahead of time. She will get up at 6, and go about her things leisurely. She gets impatient when the skirt is not ironed and I do it last minute. So the other day she asked me to show her how to iron. From then on, by the time I get around to ironing her skirt, she would have done it. Hubby and I were discussing that it is not a safe thing. We have told her that it is hot and to be careful. I hate to say no to things when kids want to try it. So this is to S, for taking off one more task from my list

The book also clearly portrays a man’s attitude towards his wife vs mistress. It looks like whatever is available and nice does not seem worth to humans. What we all think is the universal pheonomenon – the grass is greener on the other side. The same with the husband in this story, he falls for an educated subordinate so easily and dances to her tunes, where as at home it is his mission to make sure that everyone listens to him.

Another point that struck me is how much the children were just ordered around and how they naturally learn to act in a way to please their parents.

The ending was not something I was not happy or satisfied with, but for the sake of everyone especially the children it had to be that way only. After all children hold a lot of marriages together.

Overall I enjoyed the book, brought back lot of memories about Navaratri and celebrations related to it. I tend to think about a book for few days after I finish it. And I get anxious sometimes thinking about women in such situations, whose life I am not sure how to judge. Whether they are suffering because of the situation, or are they actually happy being subservient to the husbands (at the same time not having any other monetary worries) and still get to enjoy being the boss at home when husband is away at work. Life is a puzzle….

I have found new friends. It always feels good to spend time with them. Spent the christmas break in Bangalore with family. Made up by eating Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Kababs and what not…. Visited some tourist spots. Kids had great time with cousins… Watched “TDP” and really loved Vidya Balan!! Got to see Don2 and enjoyed… Ended the new year watching top 50 songs in Zoom.

However, somethings in life make you want to throw up. If only I were a little more mature, I will forget this and move on. Four weeks back a bike comes and hits the back of my car when I brake. A whole chapter can be written about the public gathering, their comments and demands!! We handle the initial trip to hospital (biker had injuries) and decide not to file a case as damage to our car was minimal. A week later, the biker gives a police case saying that I cut him and braked in front of him, there by making him hit, making me the accused! Not having the energy and time to go behind a police case, I go to police station and sign saying I will cooperate with the case. Everyone says the insurances will deal with it and it will be the end of it. However it makes me vomit thinking about the biker and his allies (including the crooked lawyers who are eating a pie from this case!).  Even though it is taught and proven repeatedly that truth always sustains,  why do people resort to such acts. The biker belongs to a family of priests and his son is currently the priest of 3-4 small temples. What qualification do these people have to be agent for gods. Saying outright lies and then praying to god or be messengers to god! This keeps coming to mind, making me want to throw up. I know it is gross, but that is exactly what I feel. Hubby says move on, and he has. He spent one whole day in police station dealing with the formalities, and I am eternally thankful to him. He deals with these things for me, protecting me from the hassles. I feel sorry for him. I feel thankful that he shields me a lot. But I DID NOTHING WRONG!

Life must be boring with good things all the time. So I am willing to take these minor setbacks. Have got few resolutions this year:

• Manage short temper(keeps coming back to my list off and on!!!)
• Lose few kilos(again a frequent visitor!!)

Keeping the list short and sweet this time.

It has been a while I worried about kids’ health, as opposed to their initial 3 years with frequent cold/cough, ear infections, fevers and night outs. S as a baby had something similar to bow legs, which demanded an annual checkup. Her doctor then was too good and always gave us strength and positive assurances. Now her legs are normal, something which the specialist had said that would fix itself as she grows. Sometime around her 3 years of age, her doctor suspected her heart beat was arrhythmic, for which again we went to a specialist and after ECG and all, everything was ruled out. Again the conclusion was that this is possible in small children and a follow up a year later confirmed normalcy.

Now she has been learning music and really enjoys it. This hoarse voice is a hindrance and I am just hoping and praying that it all turns out fine and she can continue her likes. I miss our previous doctor who knew her for 4 years and whom I could trust well. Here we have visited a doctor only once and I am praying that she is good.

My husband never worries about anything or does not show it. He just deals with it. Being the one with that extra X chromosome, I have to vent. Rather than annoying him or worrying anyone I choose to do it here in this blog.

An eventful week went by, thanks to V’s cousin who organized a family get together. It was a huge gathering at a home rented at their ancestral village. Seven siblings, their children and families including grand children were present. We had a great time connecting with everyone. Because of our overseas life we had missed out on lot of family gatherings and weddings. All we managed were short visits to individual families during vacations. This was a great chance to get to know a lot of them. A highlight of the event was the host or rather the owner of the house we rented.

A lady of 68 years old living alone, she has the sweetest smile. Being locals, my husband and I had gone along with our aunt to check out this place before the event and we fell in love with the huge house and the lady. She had this calmness that put us at ease instantly. About 45 people of all ages were all around her house, children messing around, everyone chatting loudly. She also mingled with us instantly, making us feel at home. There was no ice to break, we were in her kitchen, heating milk for children, making tea etc. By the end of three days she had become integral part of our group. Our gathering was a first one of this kind with 95% attendance and this setting had the best ambiance for that. We all felt like being back at grandma’s house. This is a difference one person makes or one smile makes. 45 of us will remember this auntie with pleasure and gratitude, and any memory of our gathering will instantly bring her smiling face and fill us with a love that is beyond any blood relationship or any contract. A smile goes a long way…

“Please do not change my name”:

Last week in a reply to one of my emails, I was addressed “Laxmi”. I had very clearly signed my name as “Lakshmi” and it really irked me how this person can just address me as he wishes. It was a business email and I do not think such relationship gives anyone the right to address the other anyway they wish. I instantly typed an email to this regard, but deleted it before sending, in an attempt to control my temper and keep everything cool. If this happens again, and this person continues to be a regular contact, I will have to correct him though!

Unhappiness in relationships:

How do you deal with unhappiness in relationships? I have this close relative, who is in her sixties, who constantly cribs about her husband to everyone. She has been married for 40 plus years and has stories about her husband’s non adjusting nature from early on. We all can relate to some parts of it. He is very stubborn in his ways and she really had a life fully adjusted to his ways. A complete social bee she is, it had been really hard for her to live with this person who is very reserved and strictly stuck to a rigid scheduled life. It gets me thinking what is the best way to deal with such things. She did her role of a wife, daughter in law, mother etc with lot of dedication and appreciation. But this constant cribbing about these unhappy stories overshadows her achievements in other ways. Because of this neglect, she tries to over stress her other achievements and tries to gather attention in social settings. Even though lot of us feel for her, it is sometimes very hard to listen to this constantly. It is sad how social pressures really suppress a person’s wishes and happiness. Only if everyone had the freedom to do what they like. However I feel a marriage is really sometimes like lottery. You never know what you get. Even if you have good chemistry and are in good sync with each other, there will always be adjustments to make. What if it is complete adjustment, how to deal with it? How to deal with one’s individuality and other commitments and still be happy?

I quietly walk around and clear up some washed dishes from last night and come across some split urad dhal. Yes, hubby has been missing “Milagaipodi” (a reference to which has to link to our dear Uma any time) for past couple of days. He has been passing remarks about either making it or buying it and I have been evading the task. So now I grab the dhals and red chillies and put them to roast. By then dear S is up and comes about asking whether is already 6.30? I tell her that it is only 5.30 and she might want to rest for half an hour more. She goes to read a book instead.

I feel more relaxed at this time of the day. The extra time with no one needing my attention, is a beautiful thing to have. Outside is quiet, air is crisp and cool. I hear the morning paper. I suddenly understand why my father in law always goes to bed at 8 PM and gets up by 4 AM. Those 2-3 hours before the rest of world is up, and before the hustle and bustle starts are probably HIS time.

I vow to myself to make use of such extra morning time from now on. To catch up on something that has been put behind, like my hubby’s “milakaipodi” this morning. Well, it will make someone happy during breakfast.

And as I am about to wind up this impromptu post, the phone rings, announcing the arrival of my newest niece earlier this morning. My cousin has delivered her second baby.

Yes, mornings are beautiful…

Now back to reality. It is almost 6.30 and I have pending requests. S wants me to listen to her school poem, then help her find her music book. Soon V will be down. He is very much his own person. He likes me to mix his coffee, but is ok even if I don’t as in most days. He does not demand my time very much that way.

Now couple of work emails also have come in. It is time to get going…Looking forward to 5 AM tomorrow…By the way, I wanted to pay that docomo bill that is almost due, and silly me locked my account with too many incorrect logins last evening. Have to be in line with customer service to clear that up. It has to be tomorrow morning!

Coming back to the topic, this is really about little A. She was very different as a baby; lots of times making me feel like she does not belong. She does not have a clear similarity in physical appearance to either of us. Her habits were also different. She was a cry baby, getting things done by crying. Lately a lot has changed. She has also turned into an “independent monkey” – a term we coined for our first born when she was young and started being stubborn to do things on her own.

She acts a lot like she knows everything and truly believes so. She will really argue to win her case. Being one of the youngest in the neighborhood, she has the privilege to play with older children. Finally for a change in our women dominated household, we started seeing toy cars and trucks, an interest this girl has picked up. She is not definitely a pinky one, even though she has weakness towards lipstick and nail shades.

She loves putting a “duppatta” over her shoulders and playing teacher. She can spend a long time enacting her teacher and managing her imaginary folk of students. She always says “firget” for “forget”. It is always “I firgot!” Other things include her singing Malayalam songs without understanding their meaning. She also sings 2 stanzas of “chammak challo” without any doubt! When we read words and she tells me their meanings, she always has a naughty smile when we read “dam”. She will say, like you say “finish that damn food”.

After coming back from seeing “Ra One”, her only concern was why the doctor hit the new born in the butt! Kids do notice things much more than we do. She was asking whether when she and her sister were born also, did the doctor do that to us?

She believed us when we said that she has to have 3 square meals instead of her favorite milk in order to turn 4. Thankfully she has started eating better. She chants all the prayers with her dad and sister in the evenings, with correct stresses to different words.

And, there is great improvement in Malayalam. She has picked up on local Malayalam slang, mainly that of Malayalee Christians as they predominate our neighborhood. It is really fun listening to her Malayalam.

She says: “Before this I was 3 and before that 2 and before that 1 and before that 0 and then I had bilirubin”. This is about the jaundice she had as a baby. She loves telling us back the story we once told her, that at that time her dad used to hug her tight before her yet another round of blood drawing from those tiny feet and tell her that “everything will be alright”.

Thank god for this wonderful girl, whom you have entrusted us, to bring up. We really enjoy her. Nothing can match a toddler’s reasoning, the continuous banter and energy. I miss a lot of that already in S, and hence cherish those with little A as much as I can.

Her cousin turned 4 in September, and she was furious. How can he be 4, when I am 3! She was counting months since then…

This birthday was spent in slots with grand parents and neighbors. We combined A’s birthday and those of 2 other neighboring children. Kids had planned a bunch of activities including face painting, some songs and dances, all by themselves. Everyone got together and spent couple of hours in the evening. A also got a new cycle this year. She will conclude this year’s birthday by wearing color dress to school tomorrow. Her school bans children from distributing chocolates or sweets in school, but rather encourages sharing toys, puzzles or books.

Thus went another year. Now she is quite excited to say that she is 4!!

THE MAKING OF OUR HOME:  The house we bought back in June is coming into a shape now and it actually has started to feel a little bit like “HOME” –  that feeling to comfort is coming in slowly. That said, things happen very SLOWLY in Kerala, the reason why it took us almost 4 months to get this house to a decent shape – cabinets, sofas, curtains blah blah blah. And still more work pending. As it rains heavily here, all houses need to have the adornment of a truss – a thing above the roof that mostly takes away the beauty of the house, but gives the owner the peace of dryness. This year it has been pouring and pouring here. It has only been 3-4 days since the rain has ceased. The main reason for things happening slowly seems to be the fact people do not seem to have dearth for jobs and are not actively keen on taking up work! It feels like the consumer has to hunt them down to get the work done, as opposed to the West, where mostly businesses seem to be very eager and outgoing for new business.

BACK TO SOME BASICS: For the first time in life, I made ghee out of home made butter, which means I made butter out of milk. An unexpected luxury we have here, living in the suburbs is that we get fresh cow’s milk – not the one which has been pasteurized. And it is full of fat. Initially out of my laziness, I did not bother to take the fat out completely and slowly we were not able to eat curds as it was so buttery. My mother and MIL showed me how easy it was to separate it and make butter and ghee. And it is worth it.

KIDS EATING LOCAL FOOD: S has become an expert in eating all Indian food, especially Kerala food. She loves Puttu and Kadala, Idiappam, Neyyappam, Kozhukkata, Ada and what not. She has also started liking spicy food. It is a delight when I make breakfast and kids actually eat it with interest. A has also started eating more solid food and has developed a taste for her own subset of Kerala food.

Once in a while, maid brings some local produce from her neighborhood – from her neighbor’s yard or her own yard. And some of them are really tasty. S would initially shrug on them, but once tasted, she gets hooked And there are pineapple farms nearby, and our friend gave some from her farm and it was the sweetest pineapple ever.

MALAYALAM: Kids’ malayalam is improving and it is a pleasure to hear them talk a mixture of English, Tamil and Malayalam. I bet in a year they will be very fluent in malayalam.

HUSBAND AT HOME: The most important change in life has been a full month of husband being at home. He seems to enjoy it and kids are loving it, especially after 3-4 months of him being out of town at work. Off and on, debates ensue about future plans, but he has decided to take at least three months before he decides what to do. But for now, he has ruled out some of the expat offers and local full time jobs, trying not to jump into anything before he is sure that he wants to do it.

MY WORK: I work full time from home. So far loving it, my clients are in US, Australia and London. They have been the best so far. I am hoping to stay put for a while, stress is on the hope part, because I love change. Kids are used to seeing me home when they are back from school. They understand that I work, which is very important for me.

MOVIES: Got to watch few movies in theater – a perk that is there because we live close to parents and it is easy to leave kids and catch a second show. I am missing a very good English movie – someone please suggest any recent one.

FRIENDS: Kids have tons of friends. I too have started making friends. Luckily people in the neighborhood seem to be not very inquisitive, something which I have feared about Kerala. There is enough privacy, more than what I hoped for.

KIDS: There is so much I can write about A – she will be 4 in two more months. She has had a drastic improvement in learning, something which is really endearing for a nerdy mother like me! I love to hear her spell words and start to read, something which S did much earlier.

S is happy go lucky as ever, well adjusted to new school, new friends, does not seem to care much about parents. She seems to be in her own world with friends and school.

A will be playing outside with S and other kids and almost everyday she will invariably come in crying and take a hug from us for couple of minutes and run back out to continue playing. A needs hugs and S seems to withstand much more than her.

Something I feel the initial couple of years in US and the daycare life has taught my kids is confidence. They seem to be so sure of themselves. This is something which we are hoping to nurture. Sometimes I feel that we are doing CONSCIOUS PARENTING, trying to optimize parenting, compared to our parents who were so sure about the traditional methods. I always question myself what good my parenting is doing to my kids. I have reached a level where I believe that freedom is absolutely necessary, something that has changed in my parenting philosophy. My mother is amused at our parenting, my father has not fully bought it. My in laws are totally against it, they believe in utmost disciplining, something which might have benefited us, but V and I are willing to experiment. At least, they are happy now. V and I were in a conversation about the kind of upbringing we had, where were we advised to work hard, and kind of what our kids are being exposed to now – to work smart. There is no shortcut to working, but does it have to be always hard work?

I think this is enough for a post. I feel much better. S is back from school and needs a snack